an apology, six months in the making, and this is all i’ve got.

by spin

I’m always worried about running in to you.  It’s still strange how we went to almost zero communication overnight. And we live close enough now that, logistically, a run-in is possible, but we never really had the same taste in bars.

I wonder what you’d think of me now. Not much has changed in terms of my situation, and it’s likely that I have even less to offer. I wonder what you’d think of my habits (worse now, if you could guess), my messy apartment, and the obesity of my cat. You used to shrug them off in favor of — I’m not sure. I never got why you liked me.

I miss you, though. It was a weird relationship. Never defined; we both introduced each other as ‘friends,’ up until the end. And there were a lot of things I kept from you. Not on purpose really, you just never really asked. I guess I’ve never been great at love. Not the game, I suppose, but the reality. It freaks me out a little. We were both recently out of relationships that meant a lot to us, but I exited bitterly, where you were hopeful. I told you I was a salesman, which I am, but I lied about the tricks I employed — you had me well before I had you. That was true to the end.

I remember our dates: wine tastings, boat rides, nights in huddled around a laptop computer, watching the latest Daily Show or Colbert Report. It all fell apart at that Italian restaurant. It wasn’t us; we were just going through the motions.

We never fought; not really. But I made you cry once, and it tore me apart. It was unintentional, and I was just being stubborn. I’ve always wanted someone who would challenge that, but you never had the heart to be completely contradictory. Maybe that’s where we went wrong. You didn’t defend what I would attack, and I never attacked what I knew you would win – a true salesman, as it were.

We weren’t perfect; not even correct (I’m sure you dislike that phrase). But there were times when we were right. That’s what you loved, and that’s what I miss.